Totallyfreecrap.com: Free Borden Cheese Singles

Bah. A “free entry?” Bah. Yeah, I filled it out. But “if you are selected?” For a COUPON? Bah. “While supplies last,” well, ok.


Now, to WIN the Borden Free Cheese Pasteurized Processed Cheese Food" Coupon evidently you need a recipe using this stuff. This is gonna be hard, because I wouldn't eat this stuff unless it was free.


However, all that is necessary is a slight twist on the ancient recipe of Calvin Trillin:


"The cheese course was deliciously simple -- a single slice of<strike> Kraft</strike>Borden's Borden Cheese Singles Sensations individually wrapped yellow sandwich cheese, which was flavored by vigorous rubbing over the bottom of the frying pan to soak up the rich bologna juices. Wine being absolutely de rigueur with cheese, I chose a 1974 Muscatel, flavored with a maraschino cherry, and afterwards cleared my palate with three-pickled martini onions."


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Food Review: Oriental Mascot Brand Hot Mustard Sauce

Well, this stuff is pathetic. I stopped in at the Chun Ching market here in Gainesville, never been there before (nice place) and tried this brand just for fun. I like Chinese hot mustard, I was out of mustard, so for $1.69, what the heck.

Weak. Hot, it is not. Suitable for infants. Should have paid more attention to the ingredients: anything that has water as the first ingredient is bound to be bad.

Only way to save this junk would be to add about 2 tablespoons of mustard powder. Which might cost you more than throwing this in the garbage and buying another brand.

Wild edibles in season

Around here, wild onions are all over the place. Japanese plums are as well, if you can beat the squirrels and birds to them.

Review - Landshire Double Charbroil & Cheese Food Thing

My buddy Dan bought this at Wal-Mart, and well, this thing is just about as bad as you probably think it is:

It's probably not very good for you either:

"Two charbroiled Beef Patties with American and Swiss Cheese on a fresh-baked Sesame Seed Bun."

Yeah. Well, the main ingredient in the patties IS beef. The cheeses, OK, it has cheese in it, but it's about half water. And the bun came straight out of an old school cafeteria. The result is, that if prepared per the bag, you get a soggy nasty bun, cheese that has basically evaporated away to nothing, and a warm meat-ish patty, all of which supplies you with a measly 42% of your daily salt allowance and 52% of your fat.

If you got to choke one of these things down for some reason:

1) nuke only the meat-ish patty
2) toast the buns
3) assemble sandwich, including condiments (lots of condiments) and cold cheese
4) lots of beverage to wash it down

Barbarians aren't stupid.

Try to buy fresh  quality ingredients. Don't get me wrong, I've used cheap dried spices before and I will again. But if you can (and especially if you're cooking to impress a woman) get the good stuff, locally grown if possible.

Go ahead and get some dried stuff too. If you have dried onion and garlic you're halfway home on almost any recipe. I like to get some dried peppers and other vegetables too. I use them for camping meals and as emergency backup at home when I run out of something.

Bread is just dry beer.

As we all know, modern civilization started when people banded together to brew beer. Shortly thereafter, bread was discovered when a batch of beer was ruined. Bread was superior to beer in that it was dry and edible, but inferior in that it was dry and non-alcoholic.

In any event, fresh-baked bread tastes and smells great and impresses everyone. The most basic method is ridiculously easy: buy frozen dough and follow the directions. You might be able to get refrigerated dough if you plan on using it quickly.

If that's too easy, the next is pretty easy too: The Official Barbarian Modified No-Cleanup Bread Machine Technique

1. Get a bread machine. ProTip: Never buy a new bread machine. Every yard sale has one. You can just throw it away after you use the thing instead of cleaning it.
2. Get an Instant Bread Machine Dough Packet at the grocery store. 
3. Do whatever the packet says, like add water or whatever.
4. Now, here's the important part: You have to figure out how to set your machine to "dough." See, the problem with bread machines is that their pan shape sucks.It's always too squat. So, what you do is just make the dough and let it rise in the machine. When it's done, you dump it out into a greased loaf pan (you can buy aluminum ones at the store).
5. Throw the bread machine away.
6. Let the dough rise again until it's up over the lip of the pan. ProTip: You can throw the dough in the refrigerator and it will still rise although it normally takes 8 hours or so.
7. Cook @ 375 for 30 minutes.
8. Cool on a rack.
9. Throw the pan in the garbage.

It's just that easy.

Welcome!

We gather together to celebrate food made the Man way: Simple and Tasty. And let's face it, that's about all we have time and money for these days.

But sometimes we have either a little time or money, and maybe a drink or two as well. Then, we might be able to move on into recipes or methods that are Stupid or Dangerous.

And maybe, we might need to cook one single meal suitable to serve to women.